Dear Eric: Three years ago, I met a woman, Margaret, and we became best friends very rapidly. I introduced Margaret to not only my existing friend group, but my other friend Jeff and they hit it off and began dating.
Jeff works in my industry and is friends with many of my coworkers. Last year, during a tough year, I began to feel that some of Margaret’s behavior was that of someone who was using me, not someone who actually cared about me. I confronted Margaret and she didn’t take accountability or change her behavior.
Working with a therapist, I decided that I needed to end that relationship and would just let things peter out. Margaret then tried to smear me to our mutual friends. It was messy and painful, and I am trying to put it behind me while still remaining civil, as I still have to see them occasionally due to all these mutual friendships and acquaintanceships that I created.
Well, Jeff and Margaret got engaged and bought a house together, and now I am hearing about this from my coworkers. One in particular keeps asking me if I’ve talked to Margaret about her ring, how excited I am for the wedding, etc. I’ve tried saying things like, “We haven’t really talked in a while” and changing the subject, but people aren’t getting it. How can I keep my side of the street clean while still making it clear that I don’t want to hear Margaret’s life updates?
– Unsubscribe From Ex-Friend
Dear Unsubscribe: If your coworkers aren’t getting the hint, it’s probably because in their minds you and Margaret are still on good terms. Absent a big, public falling out, most of the time we presume that friends remain friends. While petering out may have been effective for ending your friendship with Margaret, it likely went unnoticed by everyone else.
So, as with an email list-serv, to stop the flow of information you’ll have to officially unsubscribe. It isn’t messy or dramatic to say, “Margaret and I aren’t friends anymore, so I don’t have any thoughts about her wedding.” Making it clear and making it plain will save you a lot of unwanted chitchat.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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